How realistic do you suppose it is to think that a bi polar will  never act out, never be moody, and never have episodes.  Well it is about as likely as a diabetic never having a problem with their blood sugars, even after following the recommended  course of treatments and taking their meds too. Society is not nearly as forgiving or understanding of invisible illness, nor are they in all honesty likely to even read about it unless it affects them directly or a member of their immediate family.  That rather limits cute little words such as compassion, understanding, tolerance, and patience.  That rather acutely limits a very necessary support system. 

     Some Days are diamonds....some days are stones

I am bi polar...manic depressive, hypo mania.  I am a rapid cycler and if you were to pass me going down the street there is nothing stamped on my forehead that sets me apart from others. I look normal, whatever normal is. When I am out and about you may notice that I tend to be in a hurry, I am going nowhere as fast as I can.

I don't work anymore and for that slight against the norm, I may be classified as "lazy" by those who still work. I am not that, anything but, I just don't function on that level anymore. There was a time I worked, twenty six years I trudged along shoulder to shoulder with others.  There were times I actually held three full times jobs at a time, not the actions of a lazy person, just one out of control. No body thought that was abnormal, I was a "good" worker. Today I tend to be somewhat bitter about the shortsightedness of others as far as this subject is concerned.

As I sit here in the wee small hours of morning, listening to the wind howling outside my window, I wonder how best to describe what it is like to be bi polar.

At times I am so bitter by having this invisible disability, or as others would say...my labels of convenience.  These same people are not there when I need help, they are completely ignorant about the subject.

For the bi polar, depression, mood swings, acting out and behavioral or societal problems I will return many times, for it is not bi polar for a day, a week, a month, it is bi polar for life.  That is the reality that I had better come to terms with  because if I cannot I stand to lose a hell of a lot more. Friends and family have been know give up and move on.

I am not the same person I once was, rather I have become in part the marionette that dances to the chemicals in my own brain. I am not even truly aware of or close to the person I see in my own mirror staring back at me, I have some memories of her, but now the similarities too few to mention.

 She walked into my being, mind body and soul, hell bent on destruction.  She manipulates my thoughts actions and reactions to all things that now affect my life, and I find it so difficult to embrace her.  She also packed  70 pounds on my frame so I am assuming her baggage is heavy, sometimes I buckle under the weight of it all.  I really do not associate myself with that person.

The following pages will deal with my life as a bi polar, my experience as the same, how I in turn affect those around me.  Some times there is a jolly good laugh at my expense and some times I do nothing but cry and wait for the vale to lift.  It will, eventually. 

On a personal note...I spend a lot of time on or near my computer, it has become my friend.  I seldom use it to communicate with  people other than my daughters, however it is an excellent medium with which to communicate my thoughts. So accordingly I maintain this website. I don't know a great deal about this rather expensive tool, I do know that it forces me to do "something" creative or constructive with my time...while affording me the option of remaining in the safety of my own home. 

 Those who interact with me daily know what I am like and for the most part accept it.  For my part it truly hurt and made me feel inadequate for the longest time. Enter guilt and shame.  Society has no right to judge me, or speculate on what I can or cannot do, neither endeavor to force me to achieve what they assume I am capable of.  I can honestly say that I "try" my best daily. My best differs, not my heart, not my feelings. I am a reasonably intelligent and articulate individual who happens to be bi polar. People cannot realize how I perceive or react to situations that affect me unless they to think with a bi polar mind.  I live with so much emotional pain, life is not easy for me, some days I merely exist. The one thing that hurts me perhaps the most is that I am not treated as a "whole" individual. Even by the medical community....my family doctor sees to my physical health and my Psychiatrist sees the mentally ill side. I wish that both communities would just realize that I am whole, and the physical does affect the emotional and vise versa. Some days I feel fragmented enough.